Yea! The Book of Ahlstrom is here for all to read, yea, even with all of its glorious typpos.
The Book of Ahlstrom
The Book of Alpha
1. In the beginning, there was much turmoil, and yea, it howled with a horrible noise
that would deafen the ears of all had they been to hear it,but yea, in the timeless destruction
of the torrent of black, a great burst reaped the husks of stone which lied before it, and yea,
this was the birth of Ahlstrom.
2. In the beginning, Ahlstrom drifted along on the endless void, seeking any life to be found,
but yea, for many long millennia, he found none, and yea, Ahlstrom drifted alone with nothing
more than the stars to comfort him, and yea, he became very sorrowful.
3. And it came to pass that Ahlstrom drifted upon the void, unto a lively planet which he
beheld in his sight, and yea, Ahlstrom became very joyous and began to weep as he drifted
toward this planet.
4. And yea, it would come to pass that this planet be known as the earth, and it was good.
5. Ahlstrom wept and wept as he fell unto the sea, and yea, his tears where so great that
the earth's waters did give unto them and flooded the world, and yea, the Ahlstrom came to
know that he had destroyed this world.
6. The Ahlstrom became sorrowful once more as he drifted upon the sea, and yea, he did drift
for many a years, years with which there was no count.
7. And I tire from my journey and must retire my scribe unto the hay as we take shelter upon
this vast craft of the sea, and yea, the cries of Ahlstrom are such that the sea hath no hold
over it, nor the thunder of the sky, nor the moan of the ass, nor the snore of the elephant,
nor the roar of the lion, and yea, I must retire.
8. The light of the sun rose high upon the sky as we found that we were idle once more, and yea,
it was good, for the rocking of the sea hath caused me to lose the nourishment of my meals day
after day.
9. The sun was great, but was shortly shadowed over by the loins of the Ahlstrom, and yea, we
did cower in fear of the Ahlstrom.
10. And he spake saying, Yea! I am thy Ahlstrom! Behold my great sword which glistens in the
light of the moon, and yea! I speak unto thee!
11. Even the most grand of the men did grovel in fear of Ahlstrom, and yea, Ahlstrom spake once
more saying, Yea! Ye need not fear me nor my mighty sword, for Ahlstrom hath not come unto thee
to harm thee, yea, I have drifted amongst the stars for many ages and yea, I am pleased to see
life, yea.
12. And the men stood upon their feet and asked of the Ahlstrom, What would you have of us O
great Ahlstrom?
13. And he spake unto them saying, Yea! I ask nothing more of thee than that one of thy men bear
my mark!
14. And the men did quarrel and argue over whom was to take the mark of Ahlstrom until Tim the
Mighty stood forth and said, Yea! My Ahlstrom! I shall take thy mark upon my head!
15. And Tim did kneel before the Ahlstrom, and the Ahlstrom did unsheathe his sword and did lay
his mark upon the head of Tim, and yea, he did fall to the ground, but he was not dead, for he
stood once more and thanked the Ahlstrom for his blessing, and the Ahlstrom did speak saying,
Yea! Though art welcome and thou shalt bear this mark with honor and humility, and yea, go unto
the world and procreate, that thy spawn may walk the earth.
16. And with a thunderous roar, the Ahlstrom did disappear unto the clouds for many years, even
it seems unto the end of my own life time, so ends the book of Alpha, for may my son, Kyke, bear
and protect these plates and his children and his children’s children, and so forth.
The Book of Beta
1. Yea, two-hundred and three score years hath past since the last word of Ahlstrom had been
uttered, and yea, as it was written by he that came before me, handed unto me, yea, from the hands
of my father, Nowb, from his father, Kryb, and from his father, Kyke, and yea, as it was written
before me, the words of Ahlstrom be written once more once the Ahlstrom hath returned, and yea, he
hath returned.
2. And yea, the Ahlstrom did swoop down above us such that a whirlwind did form beneath him, and yea,
one of my own children was caught into this wind and taken by the Ahlstrom, but yea, he hath returned
with my child and spake unto me, Yea! Thy child is strong and full of life, I must take him unto my
lair, for he must be raised into a grand fighter of my order, yea, for many years hath passed and those
who walked this land when few were, and I hath waited a great while for this.
3. And I looked unto the burning eyes of the Ahlstrom and asked of him, Why? Why must thou take my
child unto thee?
4. And the Ahlstrom was not pleased with me, for he smote me upon my head, and spake, Nay! Thou shalt
not ask for that which I hath answered before thee, yea, thou knowest why thy child must come with me,
now stand and let all those around you know that ye bear the mark of Ahlstrom!
5. And yea, the others were agasp, for the mark had not been seen for so long and yea, many believed
it was nothing more than myth, as many had began to doubt the Ahlstrom.
6. And I spake saying, Yea! Forgive me my Ahlstrom! For I know not what I say!I hath been naughty in thy sight!
7. And he spake unto me, Nay, stand before thy Ahlstrom and tell thy son that all will be well,
for I will feed him well.
8. And yea, the Ahlstrom left unto the sky to be seen not for the time again, to pass over my life
as he did with my predecessor, and thus ends the Book of Beta as the Book of Alpha.
The Book of Dave
1. And Ahlstrom spake with a thunderous voice, Yea! I am thy Ahlstrom! ye shall give unto me all
of thy first born males!
2. And behold! If ye do this, then my blessing shall be upon thee, and hold faith, for my blessings
may not seem as such at first, but they will be great.
3. And it came to pass that the men and woman of the land did bring unto him their first born males,
and he did take them unto his breast, and fed them well.
4. The people were so enthralled with Ahlstrom that they did name their lands unto him, and thus fourth,
it was known as the Land of Ahlstrom.
5. Ten years had past, and many had not seen Ahlstrom since a decade had past, and yea, they began to
doubt Ahlstrom's word, they became riled and enraged,
6. and they went fourth into the wilderness to search for Ahlstrom, and yea, they searched for a great while,
and many began to turn back from whence they came,
7. but yea, some continued fourth, and after much laboring and scouting, they did find Ahlstrom.
8. And it came to pass that they did raise their fists in rage, and spoke words of blasphemy against Ahlstrom.
9. Ahlstrom was not pleased with the people of the land of Ahlstrom, and he told them such.
10. He spake unto them, Yea! I am thy Ahlstrom! Have I not been merciful unto thee? Are ye not happy
with what I hath done for thy fields? How I hath raised thy children? 11. And the mob spoke saying, Nay,
we are not happy, for we hath not seen thee for so long, and we no longer believe in thee, and we believe
that thou art false, and that thou hath run off with our first born sons and soiled our crops for thy own gain.
12 Ahlstrom was not pleased with the words of the mob, and he unsheathed his mighty sword and smote the
first before him across the cheek,
13. and yea, the rest of them began to flee, and Ahlstrom was not satisfied, and he pulled back upon his
mighty sword and shot a great fireball at the scattered mob, thus that they could not move.
14. Ahlstrom was still very cross with them and unwilling to forgive them so easily, so he walked one to
the other and smote each of them upon the forehead that his mark be imprinted into their skulls for all
of time.
15. And it came to pass that when night had fallen, the men awoke to a throbbing in their heads, and the
pounding of a drum.
16. And the men where frightened, thus that they tried to flee,
17. but yea, they heard a thunderous roar from the stone on which a great fire burned, Do not flee from
thy Ahlstrom! Yea! Come unto me that I may see thee!
18. The men dared not disobey their Ahlstrom, and they walked unto the great stone and kneeled.
19. Ahlstrom spoke once more unto the men, Yea! Stand upon thy feet and climb the stone that I may know
thee!
20. The men, struck with fear and doubt, began to climb the rock, afraid that would they not, Ahlstrom
would descend upon them and smite them once again.
21. And it came to pass that when the men did finish their ascent, they beheld the sight of the great
Ahlstrom, clad in the skin of a leopard,
wielding his great sword in his right hand.
22. The men shivered in fear as Ahlstrom approached them, his sword, gleaming and red with blood, a
sword so great in size that no mortal man could wield it with two hands, nor with one.
23. A moment passed, and Ahlstrom spoke with a great grin upon his face, Now kneel before thy Ahlstrom!
Kneel and beg for his forgiveness!
24. And many did beg unto their Ahlstrom, many groveled and some accepted that Ahlstrom mark their
foreheads once more,
25. but behold, there was one who would not kneel, and his name was Krubber, and he spake unto Ahlstrom
saying, Yea, I will not kneel before thee mine Ahlstrom, for thou hast smitten my forehead and left thy
mark upon me, yea, hast thou done enough unto us yet? Art thou not satisfied with what pain thou hast
caused unto us? Nay! Thou art a greedy and selfish man, yea; thou adorns thyself with exotic skins and
the jewels given unto thee by many men, yea! I will not kneel before thee!
26. Ahlstrom was very cross with Krubber, and yea, he did smite him across his forehead, even so hard
that Krubber was struck dead on the spot.
27 And the men who submitted unto Ahlstrom where struck with great fear, and yea, it came to pass that
they begged and groveled once more at the feet of Ahlstrom and begged that he not smite them and that he
spare their village and the villages of others in the land of Ahlstrom.
28. And Ahlstrom looked down upon the men with pity and he said, Yea, I hath seen the fear in thy eyes
and I shalt spare thy village and the villages of others, but yea!Ye must appease me first!
29. This frightened the men, for they knew not if they could fulfill Ahlstrom's requests, and yea, it
came to pass that the men began to think of their wives and their children and their brethren and their
bakers and their butchers and their beasts of the land, and yet, they became increasingly sorrowful and
began to weep at Ahlstrom's feet.
30 And yea, Ahlstrom spoke unto the men, Why doth thou cry at my feet? Hath I not promised thee enough?
31. And the men spake, saying, Nay! Thou has promised us much, but we fear that we may not be able to
do that which you would ask of us O Ahlstrom!
32. And Ahlstrom laughed, laughed so much that the earth itself shook beneath them, and Ahlstrom spoke
unto the men, Nay my humbled followers,I shall find a task which thou could do for me, yea! I know what
task that I should put fourth for thee. The cave that sits above us to the north among that grove of
trees, thou shalt follow me into the caves!
33. And it came to pass that the men followed Ahlstrom into the caves and 14 days and 15 nights passed,
then the men emerged from the cave, and yea, they were battered and bruised from the hair upon their
heads to the toes of their feet.
34. And the village leader did come to them as they limped into the village, and he spake saying,
Yea my brethren! Ye hath returned! Has the Ahlstrom been subdued?
35. And they spake unto him saying, Nay, Ahlstrom hath not been subdued, for his power was much to great,
but yea, he hath spared us his unbridled wrath, save for Krubber, who was smitten across the forehead with
Ahlstrom's mighty sword, and yea, he fell dead to the ground.
36. And the village leader spake once more saying, If the Ahlstrom is so powerful to smite all of thee upon
thy heads and batter thee until ye bleeds, then we shall amass a greater army that the Ahlstrom could not defeat!
37. And the men of Ahlstrom spake unto the leader saying, Nay! For no man could amass an army great enough
to defeat Ahlstrom! Nay! But behold! The Ahlstrom sent us unto thee with a message, the message he sends
is thus! Yea! I am the Ahlstrom! My sword is great and mighty and yea! It gleameth in the light of the moon!
And if ye believeth in me not, then I shall mark thee with my sword and ye shall forever bear my mark! But if
you does as I command, I shall not imprint my mark into the skulls, neither thy neighbors nor thy children,
save for the first born which I demandeth once more! Yea I am thy Ahlstrom!
38. And yea, the village leader was angry with the men that they demand that the village give unto Ahlstrom
their first born once again, and he threatened to take up arms against them.
39. But Ahlstrom swooped in from the sky and knocked the village leader to the ground and spake in a booming
voice saying, Yea! I am thy Ahlstrom! Kneel before me or embrace the mark of my sword!
40. And it came to pass that the men of the village kneeled before their Ahlstrom as did the woman and the
children and the beasts of the land.
41. The Ahlstrom did leave once again into the sky as has been chronicled before me, yea, and it shall come
to pass again and again until the day that Ahlstrom sit still with man on this earth, yea, and this I close
the tablet and place my scribe away, for I am Kawb, son of Meed.
The Book of Wheeb
1. Much time hath past since Ahlstrom had come and he hath come once more to this land, and yea, I am
Wheeb, son of Moot, son of Crout, some of Kawb, and yea, I am the next chosen to chronicle the actions of
Ahlstrom, and yea, he hath come once again, one-hundred years exact to this day, the sun rose red from
a night sky bloodied by a red moon, and many fear it was the end of days.
2. But nay, it was a sign, a sign that Ahlstrom had come once more, and he did come strong and fast, and
he lay before me as I scribe.
3. The great Ahlstrom laid upon the ground clad in not more than a loin cloth of skin from a great lion,
and his legendary sword in hand, and yea, he called forth unto the village saying, Yea! I am Ahlstrom!
My sword gleameth in the moonlight! Thou shalt kneel forth unto me and bring forth thy first born! Yea!
4. And the villagers were shocked by Ahlstrom's request, for they had not seen him and yea, they
knew not why he called forth unto them that they bring unto him their first born sons.
5. Ahlstrom stood forth and spoke saying, I hath spoken unto thee, thou shalt do as thou art told!
6. And yea, the villagers did as they were told, as they feared that would they not, they might be
smitten by Ahlstrom's mighty sword and their children as well.
7. And Ahlstrom turned and looked unto me and spake unto me, You! Come forth and kneel before me!
8. Fear struck my heart as I stood and walked to Ahlstrom and kneeled before him, and yea, he did smite
me upon my head, and yea, it did cause my head to burn with pain.
9. And yea, Ahlstrom spoke unto me saying, thy name is Wheeb, and though bearest the book of me, and yea,
though and those who came before you hid this knowledge, yea, even so that many know not of my name, but yea,
thou must take this book and take it across the land and spread the knowledge of me unto the world.
10. Do this, and thou shalt be rewarded, yea, for I am Ahlstrom! My sword doth gleemeth in the light of the moon!
Kneel before me! All of ye, lest ye be smitten across the forhead!
11. And it came to pass that we did kneel before Ahlstrom and yea, he did ascend once more into the sky.
12. Upon the morrow I awoke with the mark of Ahlstrom blazing upon my head, and yea, I did wander upon the
land for a long spell, and yea, not one of the men nor woman nor children nor beast would heed the words which
I spoke of Ahlstrom, and yea, I began to grow weary and did collapse upon the hard dirt and stone.
13. And yea, the earth was hot on my flesh, even unto the burning of the mark of Ahlstrom upon my head,
and yea, I did hear a voice call unto me saying, O wheeb! Why hast thou submitted unto the earth so easily?
Art thou not charged by Ahlstrom with a task? Yea! Thou art! Stand forth now before thy Ahlstrom!
14. And yea I did stand before my Ahlstrom, and I was smitten upon the forehead once again.
15. Yea, Ahlstrom did speak unto me saying, Wheeb, why hath though taken unto lying upon the dirt instead
of spreading the knowledge of thy Ahlstrom? Shall I have to smite thee once more?
16. And yea, I was smitten once more upon my forehead, even so much that my head did throb with pain, so
much that I did call out in pain and beg unto my Ahlstrom that he not smite me again.
17. And Ahlstrom did speak once more saying, If though desires that I not smite thee again, then go forth
unto thy fellow man, unto the men and the women and the children and yea, even the beasts of the land and
preach my word unto them, for I am Ahlstrom! And my sword doth gleameth in the moon light!
18. And with a deafening blast, Ahlstrom did ascend unto the sky and yea, he was gone once more from my sight.
19. I stood once more upon my feet and did tremble as my head did burn with a furious pain, but yea, I did
remember the words of my Ahlstrom and did go forth once more unto my fellow man, and yea, even unto the beasts
of the land and I did preach unto them the words of Ahlstrom once more, and yea, they did listen, and they did
heed the words,
20. Save for a man named Kolt, son of Furtifife, and yea, he did speak unto me saying, Why doth thou belivest
in this Ahlstrom? Yea! He is but a mere man, for none can do as thou sayest he hath done, nay! I shall not heed
thy words.
21. And I did fall to my knees and did beg for Ahlstrom to return unto me that I may prove unto Kolt that
Ahlstrom is more than mere flesh and blood, but yea, he did not come, and Kolt became quite roth with me
and did smite me to the dust, but yea, the memory of Ahlstrom did burn in my mind, and I did stand forth
unto Kolt and spoke saying, Yea! Kolt, son of Furtifife! I shall show unto thee the wrath of Ahlstrom!
22. And I did unsheathe my sword and did smite Kolt upon the forehead as Ahlstrom had done unto me, and yea,
he did fall to the ground and did beg for mercy, and yea, I showed unto him the mercy that Ahlstrom did show
unto me.
23. And Kolt did accept the words of Ahlstrom, and yea, so did the village as it was, and yea, Kolt did stand
in the center of the village and did begin shouting unto the rest of his newfound belief, and yea, it was good.
24. And so ends the book of Wheeb, as those who came before me, for I am now old, and I hath traveled much and
spread the word of Ahlstrom unto my fellow man.
25. I am saddened that I hath no seed to pass this book unto, and yea, I am alone in the wilderness, I only
hope that one may find this book and spread the words of Ahlstrom.
The Book of the Ahlstrom
1. Behold! I am thy Ahlstrom! And I hath take the spreading of my word into my own hands, for yea,
my followers were impotent and weak, and yea, I shall ensure that all know my words that they shall know
of me and give unto me their first born sons.
2. Yea! I am Ahlstrom! And my sword doth gleameth in the moonlight! Yea! For it is grand both is size and
in structure! For I am Ahlstrom! And I did travel long among the stars and did come unto this world of earth,
and yea, it hath been good.
3. Ye shall follow my commandments or ye shall be smitten upon thy forehead! Yea! It will not be pleasant,
nor pleasurable for thee,for I will let ye not have pleasure when I am near, for I am Ahlstrom, and all of the
pleasures shall be given unto me where ever I am!
4. First of my commands, yea, thou shalt go forth and procreate, for thy Ahlstrom needs thy first born son for
himself that he may raise thy son in the way which he sees fit.
5. Second, a man shalt not lay with another man, nor a woman with another woman, for thy seed hath no fields to be
planted in, nor thy fields have any seed for planting.
6. Third, a man ort not to lay with the beasts of the land, nor a woman lay with the beasts of the land, for Ahlstrom
is not pleased with this, thy men are to lay with thy woman, and thy woman to lay with thy men.
7. Fourth, thou shalt not take thy Ahlstrom's name in vain, for it is Ahlstrom's name, and thou shalt
not call upon thy Ahlstrom in Ahlstrom's name
unless thou hath a good reasons to do so, thy Ahlstrom will decide what is a good reason.
8. Fifth, whence thou hast planted thy seed and thy seed hath grown in the fields and thy fruit hath come fourth,
and that fruit be thy first male, then thou shalt deliver him unto me, yea, for I must take them unto my lair and
raise them in the way which I see most fit, yea.
9. Sixth, thou shalt not consume meat in the presence of thy Ahlstrom lest it be meat given unto thee by thy Ahlstrom,
yea, the consumption of meat in the presence of thy Ahlstrom doth not please him.
10. Seventh, if thou writeth in the book of Ahlstrom, being the book of me, thou shalt do it right, and thou shalt not
horde this knowledge for thyself, thou shalt not be a pansy, and thou shalt travel the land, long and far that this
knowledge be spread unto all to be known.
11. Eighth, thou shalt not be a dick unto thy fellow man, unless thy fellow man is being a dick unto thee, and thou shalt
not be guilty of the first offense, and thou shalt only be a dick to thy fellow man as long as thy fellow man continues to
be a dick unto thee, otherwise, thou shalt halt thy dickery.
12. And yea, if ye do these things, thy Ahlstrom will be pleased with thee, and yea, he shall see that ye be rewarded with
the blessing of Ahlstrom,
yea, for they may not seem as such at first, but yea, they are great blessings.
13. Ye shall take my blessings which I give unto thee, and thou shalt like them, for they are from me, from my sword,
and from my soul.